I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
