Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
