My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
