Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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