I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
