Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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