I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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