No awkward lesbian experiences without me
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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