Kiss
Puke
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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