I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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