I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
