i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
