Your tits are I can't wait for
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
