I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
