Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
