i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
