Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize