just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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