I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
