worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
