I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Randomize
