he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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