Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
