Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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