Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
