Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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