I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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