just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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