I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
