And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
