Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize
