I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
