I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
