sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
