You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Boobs speak an international language.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
