Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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