I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Randomize
