I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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