New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
