I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
