My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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