She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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