my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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