I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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