just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
