my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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