I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltđ
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing âHappy Birthdayâ to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, âWhy didnât you sing along?!?â I responded, âI donât know him. I donât give a shit if he has a happy birthday.â
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