So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
