he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
