I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
