You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
