you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
