The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
