if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
